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Dear bloggie friends:

Thanks for all your lovely, encouraging and kind comments! I've been feeling a little better, since my parents and little brother covered for me and gave me the weekend off to recover. And my hubby took the girls out on Saturday afternoon so I could sleep. Which I did. Almost.

See, I closed all the windows, the door to the bathroom and the room so it was pitch black and cool. It was nice and cool, silent, dark. I had my two bottles of water, my propoleum, eucalyptus and honey syrup, and had changed into slacks and one of my hubby's t-shirts. In a word, I was comfortable. I lay down for an afternoon of rest and restoration.

Ten minutes later I could not sleep. That's not too much, but you see, I had not slept well the night before, and as a general rule, I've a gift for falling asleep almost as soon as my head touches the pillow. Or car back seat. Or my cupped hands under my chin.

And you know why was that? I'm almost never home without my husband or my girls. It felt weird, off. I felt so anxious, like something vital was missing. And I was by no means alien to living alone, cause I had lived a hundred miles from my family, by myself, for the duration university studies. Suddenly the realization kicked in. I was that girl no longer.

I'm gonna probably anger many so called feminist (a term they absolutely do NOT deserve, but that's subject for another post) but I felt for a moment that I had become defined by my status unto others: a mother because of my girls, a wife because of my husband. And in the absence of them, who was I? What was I?

It was a scary minute. Sans those labels, the ones I had dreamed about since I was a girl (well, after I decided not to be a nun after all, at the wise and mature age of six) what was I?

Come to think of it, I had a huge bunch of other labels that I'd come by all the choices I'd made in my life. But this particular two were playing with my not so sharp wit at the moment.

There should be a choir chord that came along with the "a-ha!" moment. Some light other than the one lighting up inside the heart. The moment when you realize you really are no longer 13 but 31, even if you always claim you never feel a day older than your teens.

I've grown, I've changed. My allegiances changed as did my heart. And that's good. Now, since I was not sensible enough to realize just how deep the changes were, I have the chore of learning to get to know myself, really know myself. That I spent doing all Sunday. And it was refreshing.

Then again, it might all be the result of a feverish mind. But I seriously doubt so. Basically I'm the same girl, minus the saccharine. A tad more of molasses instead. No additives. No embellishments.

I think I like the woman I found.

And I still love my Anne books and my vampire stories. And yarn!

How did you realize you had become grownup?
Have you?

Yours


CT

Enviado desde mi oficina móvil BlackBerry® de Telcel

7 comments:

marigold jam said...

Well done you to have reached such maturity so young! I am 65 and still not sure if I have grown up yet!!

Perhaps I am a feminist - although I think not - but I loved my first evening teaching adults as it was then that I became me again rather than a wife, mother and all those other roles. I love being just ME but am happy to be also those other things too but they are not what defines me. Maybe I'm odd?!

Jane

CT said...

Jane:
I think I've grown up, but as for the maturity part... If a mature person would plunge into that flower field in my post giggling and squealing with delight, then maybe I am! Hehehehe! The choir practiceshave done to me what teaching adults has: defined me without undermining my other roles. And you know, I think you and I might be the same kind of feminist. Thanks for your lovely comment. What do you teach?

Just be happy! said...

I think the moment I lost Alex was the moment I grew up and realized that I had to be strong, that things would be okay at some point.

I love being a wife and a mother, and I also love being me. I am glad I decided to change things around here and become a little more me, and I am sure my husband and son will appreciate that too.

Glad you are feeling better.

Rudee said...

There will be another epiphany at around the age of 50. That's when your job of educating your children is done (mothering will never be finished) and you get to know yourself again. It's a wonderful time of independence and creativity. Look around at older women near you and open your heart and mind to the trails they blaze. It's remarkable.

Although I like a little solitude, I do love having my children around me. The house is too quiet without them, so I completely understand why you couldn't quite rest without your babes nearby.

I hope you're feeling better.

Libby said...

It's so amazing that you would post that on today, CT. I am striving NOT to define myself by what I don't have as opposed to you and what you do have. Isn't irony a funny thing? I'm glad that you are feeling better and that you wrote this post today. :-D

Michelle Walker said...

I am glad you are feeling better! I never understood why it's supposed to be a BAD thing for motherhood and being a wife to define a woman--it has shaped me into a more loving, less selfish woman. I am a stronger woman because I have shouldered my children's and husband's burdens. Being a wife and mother wasn't my fallback--it was my first choice.

Tanya said...

I'm sorry to hear that you've not been feeling well. You are blessed to have your family around you who will help out just as you help them when they need you.

When do I feel like I've grown up? Hmm. I guess I haven't. Maybe I won't ever while my husband "cares" for me. I'm really pretty helpless without him. Sometimes I feel like my kids are more grown up than I am!

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